The Drunk Dane and the Spastic American Argue
by PeaceLovePasta
Summary: America and Denmark get into an argument...over Sealand? Pure crack and AN sappy thank-yous inside. Rated T for swearing, though that is mostly in the AN because I swear a lot.


**Guys, I'm back! I'm not dead! I just kind of lost my inspiration for my unfinished story and shit. Then there was track season and then lots of friend drama and then I moved across the country and all that nice stuff. But I am back with some more pointless crack-like stories for all you addicts to sniff up. You're oh-so welcome.**

**First let me say that this was inspired by one of the millions of HetaHeadcanon pics floating around the Internet. I can't find the link to it now, but it said "America and Denmark constantly argue over who is Sealand's favorite uncle. He loves them both the same." I have two friends who are my America and my Denmark, and I am Sealand to them. A lot of this is inspired by these two people, who I'll miss now that I've moved. This is for you two!**

**Next, I want you all to know who actually pushed me to finish this, and that is my Lana. She is my best friend and I already miss her so much. I'll see her later in the summer though. But seriously, she is amazing, and I always let her read everything I write before it is published, if it even ends up getting published. I can always trust her honest judgment. She writes a little, but only on places where she's completely anomnom (anonymous). Look out for anything signed Analbear. Yes, mi Lana, I did just go there. **

**Oh, right, I almost forgot: I don't own Hetalia or the characters, and not every fact in here is true, but some are. Who can find them all? But, I do claim rights to the molestation of Norway. I have signed documents that give me those rights. So bitch please, Norway is mine.**

**...Okay, this is getting weird. I've had too much of this crack. **

* * *

It was just another day for the world-literally. A world meeting had just ended, and countries were slowly filing out of the overheated, stuffy meeting room, on their ways to go back to dealing with the usual local issues. That is, except for five of them, two of which were so loud that it was quite difficult to _not_ notice their absence from the crowd of countries. These two were having a rather loud disagreement, with the other three just watching.

"I am obviously his favorite!" An angry and somewhat drunk Dane assured, leaning back in his chair with his feet propped atop a stack of papers on the large oak desk that served as the meeting table. He kept his eyes locked on his opponent in the debate, none other than the world power of The United States of America.

"Liar!" The other shot back, sitting whilst leaning forward slightly in his chair directly across from him. "Sealand loves me! Don't ya, Sea?" A grin crossed his face as he turned to the micronation who was currently sitting in a vacated chair, intensely watching two grown men argue over him.

"Of course I do." Sealand responded happily, only to have his joy quickly snuffed out by an angry glare from his other uncle. "But…I like Uncle Denmark too."

"Why? He's drunk all the time and he isn't as strong as I am!" America retorted.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Denmark tried to switch positions in his chair, nearly sending him toppling over backwards. Taking a gulp from a half-empty beer bottle, he stood up, leaning over the table like he was about to hop over it and attack the American. "I'm totally strong, and I'm more fun!" Turning to his nephew, he smiled, the scent of beer on his breath still powerful enough to be detected by the family across the room. "Remember when we TPed Russia's house? Or when I let you try alcohol? You-"

"What?!" Sealand's gay Finnish mother turned, facing the Dane. "He's just a little kid! Why would you do something as irresponsible as that?" He took a few steps toward the Dane, who was obviously oblivious as to what might happen next. Luckily for everyone in the room, Finland's husband took his arm, stopping him before he hurt anyone. The couple exited into the hallway, with the smaller muttering something that their son assumed to be some sort of Finnish curses.

America just snickered a little at this. "While I'll agree that beer and pranking commies are both fun, I've got something even better- Something you can never top!"

"And what's that?" The Dane asked in a taunting voice, still completely positive that he would come out of this as the winner. How could he not? He was the king of Scandinavia!

"Nukes." America turned to the child. "The most powerful weapon in the world!"

Denmark's smirk faltered as he quickly searched his mind, trying to think of something that would rival the explosive and admittedly awesome power of American nuclear weaponry. "I have Lego." He blurted.

America burst out laughing. "Lego? How are plastic bricks better than nukes?"

"Because," Denmark didn't even try to make sense with his response, or perhaps he was drunk enough to believe that he actually was making sense, "you can't play with nukes. You can play with Lego."

Though this small amount of logic was more than the Dane usually used when speaking, America didn't buy it. "That means absolutely nothing! Nukes are like _'Boom!'_" He made a little mushroom cloud with his hands. "Lego is….meh."

"Actually," Sealand piped up, "it kind of makes sense. Just because you have nukes doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make you more fun." He already knew who his favorite uncle was at this point, and was just urging the two of them on to keep himself entertained. It wasn't often that his opinion was valued, after all.

"It doesn't make any sense, though!" America was shocked that someone could even think that way. How were simple toys more fun than world-threatening destructive bombs?

Seeing that he somehow had the upper hand now, Denmark's smug expression returned, seeming even more intense now, if that was even possible. "You know what else makes me better?" He didn't wait for an answer, completely unwilling to let this chance slip away. "When I was a kid, I was a Viking. I got to go on adventures all over the world. Not only that, but I was the kind of them all!" He threw his hands up. "And what did you do? Rely on your older brother for everything?"

"Shut up!"

"Didn't you used to wear dresses?" Denmark asked "That's pretty interesting, all right."

Sealand couldn't help but laugh at the thought of his uncle in a dress, completely reliant on his jerk of a brother. What could be funnier?

The comments had failed to make a dent in the American's nearly invincible pride. "Yeah, well, I beat up your brother, Sealand. That's pretty cool, isn't it?"

"Absolutely!" The young micronation had recovered from his laughing fit, easily distracted by the continuation of the argument. "I'll beat him up someday too! When I'm big and strong, I will!"

"I'll help you." America offered. Yes, he was winning this argument at all costs. "Just tell the ranting drunk over there that I'm your favorite!"

Before Sealand even had a chance to open his mouth, Denmark responded, determined to regain Sealand's attention and favoritism. "You're bribing him?" He narrowed his eyes at the American.

"You told him I was weak!" America shot back defensively. "No one ever said it was bribery. Maybe I just want to help out my favorite nephew."

"Well, you were weak."

"Well, yeah, but that was a long time ago! I've done plenty since then. What have you done? Drink beer and lose wars?" America asked, truly unable to remember the last time he'd ever heard that the country of Denmark had succeeded in just about anything. Except maybe the Olympics. He thought he'd heard that Danes were good at sailing.

"Everyone has lost a war or two." Denmark argued. "I'm sure you have."

Sealand threw his hand up in the air. "I haven't! Does that make me the best?"

"No."

"Nej."

With this, Sealand pouted. "You two are stupid." He was absolutely the best!

"Am not." The other two replied in unison, arguing like children themselves.

"Are too…" He muttered, well aware that neither of the other was paying enough attention to him anymore, as they'd quickly returned to their arguing. Annoyed and ignored, he slowly backed out of the room, which went unnoticed by the two men, who were in more of a shouting match than an actual argument.

"Everyone's lost a war, but you've never won one!" At least not as long as he could remember. "I've taken the kid to Disneyland: _'The happiest place on Earth!'_"

"I have a pastry named after me!"

"I have McDonald's!"

"I'll shove my battle ax up your ass if you don't shut up and admit I'm better!"

"No!"

"I even have a cool hat!"

"I have a cooler jacket!"

"I'm bilingual!"

"More like bisexual."

"Shut up, you self-centered American!"

The pointless argument went on like this for hours, with neither one able to exhaust all the reasons why they were so much better.

As the initial heat from the argument died down, the micronation casually opened the door to the meeting room back up, ice cream cone in hand.

"Dude, you got ice cream? No fair!" America frowned.

"Where'd you go?" Denmark asked, though he'd not noticed the micronation's absence whatsoever.

"Well, my parents thought one of you would take me home, so they left, and you two were boring, so I left to find something more fun to do.

"And you got ice cream?" America clarified.

"No. I went to Uncle Norway's house, since it isn't too far of a walk from here. He's been teaching me about magic and stuff since I told him that Jerk England never used to let me try anything that cool. He thought I was too immature, but Uncle Norway doesn't. I told him I was going to find you two, and he gave me money to buy ice cream on the way back. That's why he'll always be my favorite uncle."

"Your favorite is Norway?" America exclaimed, shocked. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"Because you two are funny, but then you started ignoring me, so I got bored."

"Brat! This argument wasted me three hours, you know!" Denmark glared angrily at his nephew.

America nodded. "I agree. Sealand, you're so selfish sometimes."

"You two are just jerks!" Sealand stomped his foot on the tile floor. "That's why you're my least favorite uncles ever!" Sealand stormed back out of the room, leaving the two elder nations for a second time.

"Hey Denmark," America looked over at the Dane after a few seconds of silence, "I bet he hates me less than he hates you."

* * *

**Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn~ Okay, I know some of this was OOC, but you'd better admit that it was funny as hell. Well, I really only posted this for those mentioned above and to show you all that I didn't burn in a firey pit of fire. I know I rushed some of this and I don't care. It's not supposed to be well-written.**

**As always, thanks for reading. If you liked this, don't forget to favorite, follow, and comment! (Please comment. That's my favorite.) Look out for more and please request if you have an idea, though I seriously have a STACK of requests lately. **

**Until next time,**

**~PLP**


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